Dirty Mind?
by Mii-ch4n
Summary: Upon returning from lunch to check up on the Colonel, Riza Hawkeye hears something suspicious coming from within the office... \Implied RoyxEd/


Click, click click.

_ Black Hayate -fed and walked._

Click, click, click.

_ Gun -loaded._

Black military-issue boots (-polished) sounded sharply on the linoleum of Central Headquarters as their owner checked off the various items on her mental to-do list. It was noon and 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was just returning from a rather solitary lunch in the mess hall over in the East Wing. Now, on the opposite side of the hall, a too-small figure scurried toward her, his arms full with some kind of equipment and a bulky pair of headphones draped around his neck.

"Good afternoon, Kain," she greeted him, smiling at the fact that he hadn't seemed to notice her presence at all before that moment. He looked up from whatever he had been fussing over and his face broke into a boyish-looking grin.

"Hiya, Lieutenant!" he replied, pushing his round glasses up to the bridge of his nose in a feeble attempt to make himself appear more presentable. But just as soon as they had passed each other, Riza found her thoughts returning to her list.

_Let's see, there was one more…Oh, the colonel. _Without missing a beat, she abruptly changed course and turned right at the next corner, letting her feet carry her in the direction of the man's office. He hadn't come to lunch that day but had urged her and the rest of his crew to go on without him, insisting he had too much to attend to. And while Riza was glad the colonel was finally taking responsibility for the mountain of paperwork awaiting his signature, she couldn't help but wonder what had caused this sudden change of heart.

She came to a halt right outside the heavy wooden doors beside which a metal placard proudly declared, 'Colonel Roy Mustang'. She had long ago stopped feeling intimidated by the man (actually, she doubted if she had _ever_ felt such a thing in regards to him) but still insisted on following standard military protocol with him even when he himself had a propensity for being a little lax in that particular area.

Which was why she now stood ramrod straight, right hand pressed to her forehead in a formal salute, about to request permission to enter. However, the words died on her lips as she heard talking from within the office. Particularly, an indignant scoff followed by,

"Do it yourself, Mustang," and something lower which she couldn't quite make out.

Edward.

When had he gotten there? Usually the small blonde boy made it a point to offer her a brief, but polite greeting before he went ahead to his performance assessments with the colonel. She wondered if Alphonse was there too and how she had missed the brothers' entrance. Riza felt her body relax slightly from attention as she unconsciously listened in. Roy chuckled lowly,

"Myself?" as if the mere idea of such a thing, whatever it was, was absurd. Then there was silence save for some indistinct shuffling sounds from within. She was suddenly struck with the thought that she must look like Lieutenant Ross, standing outside a door listening in for anything gossip-worthy. But before she could even move away, the colonel spoke again, "Don't be cruel, Fullmetal, I _need_ this."

A sharp breath forced its way down Riza's throat and her right hand twitched over the holster strapped to her waist. It wasn't his words that made her react, but rather the tone, the suggestive lilt they held, that turned his appeal ambiguous. Was he…?

No, no, there was no way. She'd had her suspicions about the relationship between the two in the past –something in the way they behaved around each other that hinted at something more than just superior and subordinate- but that's all it was: a suspicion. The colonel was a man of scruples; he wasn't one to use his authority, and age in this case, to gain him…An unfair advantage of the situation.

She stepped closer to the door in order to confirm this and put an end to these foolish thoughts. Honestly, her imagination was really getting the best of her this time.

On the other side of the door, Edward sighed reluctantly.

"Fine. But you owe me one for this. Call it equivalent exchange." Roy chuckled a little at this and Riza could almost see his shoulders shrugging agreeably as he said,

"Equivalent exchange it is. Now, come here." The scene continued to play out in her mind with Ed, scowl firmly in place, stomping across the room to where Roy was seated behind his desk. And then… "Agh!" an undignified yelp? "Easy with the automail, those damn joints _pinch_!" the colonel hissed.

"Sorry," Ed muttered, sounding anything but. "I don't really know what I'm doing…Remember this was _your_ genius idea."

"So it was," the colonel purred, seeming to relax again. "Here, give me your hands, I'll teach you." Ed growled, but he must've done it because the next one to talk was Roy again. Really, it was more of a moan than anything. "Ah, just like that, use your thumb…Yeah…" Riza felt her face flush at this and realized to her horror that she was still standing there listening. She hoped no one had walked by and seen her like this…

But this was just too much! Colonel Mustang may be her commanding officer, but she couldn't very well stand by and listen while he took advan…Edward was still a child! Mature or not, that didn't…And Alphonse would never…Edward's honor was at stake! As she thought all of these things, she became increasingly convinced that it was her duty to intervene. Her fingers closed resolutely around the end of her pistol and she steeled her nerves before quickly drawing her weapon and kicking the doors open.

The first thing she noticed as her eyes darted around the office was Edward standing over the back of the colonel's chair, just like she had imagined. However, he kneaded at the man's neck and shoulders, a look of unbroken, almost comical, consternation on this face. Similarly, the colonel, being used to people (namely Edward) barging in and out of his office on a regular basis, didn't even flinch at his lieutenant's sudden intrusion. He sat behind his desk with his hands folded in his lap, his eyes gently closed as small noises of contentment eased past his lips.

Really, he couldn't have looked more relaxed if he tried.

Then, slowly, as though reluctant to acknowledge her presence, Roy opened a single slanting eye and graced her with a lazy, sultry smile.

"No need for alarm, Lieutenant, Fullmetal here was just massaging the aches out of these hardworking shoulders." He groaned and arched up into the boy's touch one final time before saying, "Thank you, Fullmetal," effectively dismissing him.

"Eh?" This finally got his attention. "Oh, yeah, sure." He stepped to the side to glare at Roy. "But don't you forget, you stingy bastard, you owe…"

"_Thank you, _Fullmetal," the colonel insisted, shifting away as much as his chair would allow him. With Edward sulking toward the couch, mumbling something about ungrateful bastards being cut off, Roy turned a composed gaze back to his 1st lieutenant. "Now, what was it you needed?"

Riza blanched and she hastily shoved her pistol back into its holster before bowing and stammering,

"Ah, nothing, sir, just wanted to make sure you were alright. Sir!" And with that she saluted and quickly scurried out the door. Roy smirked and leaned forward, elbows on his desk, to watch her retreating form.

"She didn't even ask about the paperwork," he mused. Edward snorted from his seat on the couch.

"'Ask'. That's just rich. You're lucky you escaped with your nuts still attached." Roy hummed his agreement.

"You and I both." When Ed snorted again, Roy turned and gave him a dubious look. "You mean to tell me you wouldn't miss them at all? Not even a little?" Ed laughed and shook his head in disbelief. Roy grinned. "Now get back over here so you can finish giving me that 'massage'."


End file.
